As a young teen, I was particularly fond of music, much more so than homework.
I wasn’t disciplined enough to sacrifice music for homework, so if I heard a live band playing near my home, my homework would be placed on the back burner because my heart led me to the music.
When raising our children, my wife and I relied heavily on the teachings of the Bible. Within our studies, the Scriptures highlight that a person’s heart is their control center and, in turn, the basis of their behaviour. The words and actions of our children reflect what is in their hearts: whatever the heart loves, the ears will hear, and the eyes will see.
There are numerous reminders of the heart’s authority over actions and livelihood in Scripture. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) says: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” From this verse, we can deduce that a person’s behaviour spews from the sentiments of their heart. The Gospel of Mark makes a very profound statement that supports this claim. Mark 7:21–23 (KJV) states: “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: all these evil things come from within, and defile the man.” In these verses, Jesus listed twelve “evil things” that begin in the heart: six evil actions and six bad attitudes or principles. In Luke 6:45 (KJV), Scripture states: “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.”
As we’ve raised our children and counselled other families, my wife and I found these passages to contain many truths that parents can use to guide and prepare their children for adulthood. We understand that behaviour is not what we should pay immediate attention to but rather what takes place in the hearts of our children. As alluded to in Proverbs 4:23, the heart is the storeroom that gives rise to actions.
As parents, we must not allow ourselves to become so sidetracked by our children’s behaviour that we fail to acknowledge the cause of said behaviour. What often captures our attention is our children’s actions that irritate us. This irritation usually consumes our attention, and we focus our discipline on changing their behaviour. But by ignoring the cause of our children’s behaviour, we continually train them to do what we would like, instead of teaching them the whys and hows behind their behaviour.
If children change their behaviour to please their parents (or in their parents’ presence), there is no guarantee that they will maintain that behaviour in their parents’ absence. I stress this because in the Virgin Islands we send our children to schools in the USA, England, Canada, etc. Though we can be deceived into thinking that our children’s behaviour was corrected before their departure, when they go abroad they can display disappointingly different behaviour, causing embarrassment to themselves and their families.
Our children’s needs are far more profound than their deviant behaviour. Their behaviour does not appear without a cause. As parents, if we are to help our children, we must be concerned with the attitudes that drive their behaviour.
Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for honouring Him with their lips while their hearts were far from Him. He addressed them as people who washed the outside of the cup, leaving the inside dirty. As we raise our children, we must be mindful that if we want to change their behaviour, we must address the “real” issue. We must endeavour to see change from within.
We must know what constitutes proper behaviour for an adult and require the same from our children, within reason. Some of us respond to our “small” children’s troubling behaviour with laughs of approval or non-discipline. But these laughs haunt us later in moments of shame caused by ill-behaved teens and young adults.
As parents, we must discipline our children. Though there is not sufficient space to get into much detail, it is essential to note that discipline can take many forms and may vary based on the household. It may include revoking privileges or instituting timeouts, but we must prioritize helping our children understand the internalized attitudes which cause their adverse behaviour. The following analogy will highlight the need for this approach to discipline by addressing children’s attitudes regarding poor behaviour.
Two children are playing in the living room. Seeking to join the fun, selfishness slowly creeps in and sits among them. With selfishness piggybacking on the children, a fight erupts over who gets a toy. Child A shouts: “I had it first,” and on the surface this seems fair and favours justice.
But at the heart level we have two offenders; both children are displaying hardheartedness toward each other. Both children are selfish because they are both saying: “I don’t care about you or your happiness. I am only concerned about myself. I want this toy. My happiness depends on possessing it. I will have it and be happy regardless of what that means to you.”
At the core level, we have two wayward children. Two children who prefer themselves over the other. Two children breaking God’s law. Each child argues: “I want my happiness, even at your expense.”
This analogy may seem unconventional, but biblically, the theme is pertinent. Heart attitudes direct our behaviour toward each other. Therefore, discipline enforced in response to our children’s behaviour must address attitudes of the heart.
With this understanding and the support of a relationship with God, parents can do marvelous things when disciplining their children. By focusing on the attitudes of the heart, and not just the behaviour, parents can begin to witness truly changed behaviour in their children. As parents, our concern should be to unmask our children’s sin and help them understand their need for Christ.
My wife and I pointed our children to Christ at an early age as we believe that the only remedy for a straying heart is the cross of Jesus Christ. A heart remedied by a relationship with God underscores the need for a Saviour and provides countless opportunities to show the glory of God. In our household, we have found great peace in knowing that our children understand the heart issues behind their behaviour and have turned their hearts to Jesus.
Helpful links and resources: https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/parenting/foundations/spiritual-development/getting-to-the-heart-of-your-childs-behavior/
Shepherding a Child’s Heart. By Tedd Tripp. Published by Shepherd Press © 1995
Wayne R. Hoyte is the husband of Joycelyn Hoyte and the father of Gabrielle, Brent, and Charis. He is also the senior pastor of First Assembly of God, Tortola, B.V.I, and a certified life coach.
