Are you in a relationship that leaves you feeling drained, unfulfilled, or even emotionally abused? Have you found yourself feeling anxious, depressed, or constantly questioning your self-worth? You just might be in a toxic relationship.
A toxic relationship drains your energy, self-esteem, and happiness over time. Your emotional, mental, or physical health may slowly deteriorate.
A toxic relationship can be with a romantic partner, a friend, a family member, or even an individual on the job. Any relationship, whether personal or professional, can become toxic due to various causes, such as personal insecurities, past traumas, and unhealthy communication patterns. And sometimes, people just have toxic personalities. No matter who the abuser is, long-term engagement and interactions with them will have a negative impact.
Anyone on the receiving end of a toxic relationship becomes a victim of emotional abuse and at times even physical abuse. Yet unfortunately, the victim is often blamed for the problems in the relationship.
So, how do you change the “blame game”?
It is important to recognise the signs of a toxic relationship and act accordingly to protect your health. There are several signs to look for, but this article will focus on three main types: gaslighting, stonewalling, and passive-aggressive behaviour.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a tactic used to make the victim believe things about themselves that are not true. The abuser may deny things that have happened or twist the facts, making the victim question their own sanity. They may also blame the victim for things that are not their fault or make them feel guilty for things they did not do. Victims begin to doubt their own memory and perception of events.
Another form of gaslighting is seen when the abuser isolates the victim from their friends and family. This can make the victim feel like they have no one to turn to and that they are completely dependent on their abuser. The abuser may also try to control the victim’s behaviour, such as telling them what to wear or how to act.
Gaslighting can also involve the abuser projecting their own faults onto the victim. For example, if the abuser is cheating on the victim, they may accuse the victim of cheating instead. This can make the victim feel like they are the problem and that they are to blame for everything that is going wrong in the relationship.
One of the challenges of gaslighting is that it can be difficult to recognize. The abuser may use subtle tactics to make the victim doubt their memory. Here are a few of the manipulative statements that may be used:
- “That’s not what I meant.”
- “That’s not how it happened.”
- “That’s not what I said.”
- “Stop exaggerating.” or “You’re over-exaggerating.”
- “You are too emotional.”
These tactics can become more overt, with the abuser outright denying events or experiences that the victim knows to be true.
Over time, gaslighting can erode the victim’s sense of self-worth and make them feel like they are not capable of making decisions or taking care of themselves. This can lead to a cycle of dependence on the abuser, as the victim may feel like they cannot survive without their support. It can be particularly damaging, as it can lead to the victim feeling anxious, depressed, isolated, and powerless.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is one of the most insidious of all tactics in a toxic relationship. This behaviour involves shutting down communication and refusing to engage, often in response to conflict or disagreement. While it may seem like a way to avoid escalating the conflict, stonewalling can be incredibly damaging to a relationship.
Stonewalling can take many forms, but some common signs include:
- Refusing to speak or respond when a concern or criticism is raised
- Walking away or leaving the room during an argument
- Giving one-word answers or monosyllabic responses
- Ignoring your attempts to communicate with them
- Refusing to make eye contact or show any emotion
If you notice these signs in your relationship, addressing them as soon as possible is important, as stonewalling can quickly become a pattern. The longer it goes on, the harder it can be to break. Without open communication, issues can fester and lead to further tension and frustration. Stonewalling can prevent couples from resolving conflicts and finding solutions to problems.
Passive-aggressive Behaviour
Passive-aggressive behaviour is a common trait in toxic relationships. It involves indirectly communicating anger or frustration through subtle actions rather than directly confronting the issue. This behaviour can be damaging to the relationship and can lead to long-term emotional abuse.
Passive-aggressive behaviour can manifest in various ways. Some common signs include:
- Silent treatment: The abuser may refuse to talk or respond to you for an extended period.
- Sarcasm: The abuser may use sarcastic comments to express their anger or frustration.
- Procrastination: The abuser may delay completing tasks or fulfilling obligations as a way of expressing their resentment.
- Blaming: The abuser may blame you for their problems or mistakes.
- Backhanded compliments: The abuser may give compliments that have a hidden insult or criticism.
Passive-aggressive behaviour can have a significant impact on a relationship. It can create a toxic environment where the victim feels like they are walking on eggshells around the abuser. The behaviour can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration, which can damage the emotional connection between both parties.
Over time, passive-aggressive behaviour can escalate into emotional abuse. The abuser may use this behaviour to control and manipulate the victim, which can lead to feelings of isolation, low self-esteem, and depression in the victim.
Effects of a Toxic Relationship
Being in a toxic relationship can have severe consequences on your mental and emotional wellbeing. It can lead to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It can also affect your physical health, leading to headaches, stomach problems, and other health issues. Toxic relationships can also impact your other relationships, making it difficult to trust others and form healthy connections.
Additionally, toxic relationships can affect your social life, career, and personal growth. When in a toxic relationship, you may isolate yourself from friends and family, miss out on career opportunities, and struggle with personal development due to the constant stress and negativity in your life.
Ways to Get Out of or Overcome a Toxic Relationship
Getting out of and overcoming a toxic relationship can be challenging, but it is essential for your wellbeing and happiness. Consider the following steps if you’re in a toxic relationship:
- Recognise the Signs
Recognising the signs of a toxic relationship is the first step toward getting out of one. Once you acknowledge that you are in a toxic relationship, you can start taking steps to get out of it. (Bear in mind, getting out is not always a viable option.) - Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is essential when dealing with a toxic partner. Let your partner know what behaviours are unacceptable and the expected consequences if they continue. - Seek Support
Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can be helpful when planning your escape. They can provide you with the emotional support and guidance needed to leave the relationship safely. Seeking professional help, such as therapy or counselling, can provide you with the tools and support needed to overcome a toxic relationship. Therapy can also help you identify underlying issues that contribute to toxic patterns and develop healthy communication skills and coping mechanisms for building future relationships. - Plan Your Exit
Planning your exit is crucial when leaving a toxic relationship. Make sure you have a safe place to go and a support system in place. You may also want to consider getting a restraining order if you feel unsafe. - Practise Self-Care
A toxic relationship takes a toll on your mental health and emotional state. Practising self-care such as mindfulness, exercise, and journaling can help you manage stress and improve your mental health. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family can also provide a sense of community and belonging that can counteract the negative effects of toxic relationships.
Toxic relationships can have severe consequences on one’s mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing. It is essential to recognise the signs of a toxic relationship and to take steps to overcome it. If you’re not able to get out, prioritise setting boundaries and taking care of your health. Pay attention to the red flags and seek support from trusted friends or family members. And remember, always trust your instincts!
I have been there, and I know it can be tough. The final decision is yours, but whatever you decide, take steps to change the “blame game.” It’s not right … it’s wrong!
